Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens & Staten. Well, 2 out of 4.

Time for a little update, I think. So, since being here, we have actually done a few more things than playing with tasers, doing push ups, and lifting boxes of fruit loops. Although, all those things have certainly been delightful.

For the sake of the mothers reading this (Hi mum!), I’m going to run through all the lovely things that we have done recently that would make you proud of us, and relieved that we are indeed happily surviving life in the Bronx.

A little meander in the city took us to a place we like to call Brooklyn. Here, we were introduced to possibly the greatest bar on earth. I introduce to you, The Brooklyn Bowl. Bar to the right, live music to the left and bowling smack in the middle. Excellent combination.

Andy and Paul playing with their balls.

Our lovely new friends, Turquaz.

Our next big find, is a wonderful Dominican restaurant just around the corner from where we are staying. Our lovely host Lisa took us, and we all agreed that the food may have made it to the list of ‘Potentials for Final Meal before you Die’.

Feeding the team.

We’ve also ticked off a few touristy trips – first stop, Brooklyn Bridge.

Sadly, I have no hair.

And, after all that walking, we felt it necessary for a well-earned hammock break.

The swingers.

Alex, dealing with the stress found in New York. Just.

Wish you were here.

Love, peace and hammocks,

Lucy, Alex, Paul and Andy xxx

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Just chilling with a taser

Seriously, if you want to protect yourself, don’t get a taser. Your attacker will only find it non-threatening or hilarious. You might as well carry anti-rape shoes.

Haven't been raped yet.

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Game of Life.

There is one rule to the Game of Life. Do not, under any circumstances, say the word “M.I.N.E”. DO, however try and catch out your friends at any and all opportunities. Ways to do this, could be “Who’s drink is that?” “Who’s house are we going back to?”. Or in Alex’s case, “Alex, what’s that word that we aren’t allowed to say?”.

Penalties for saying this word, are, ten pushups – or, 10 star jumps/jumping jacks for the ladies like me.

It’s fair to say, that at the end of this trip, the guys are going to be huge.

The first to break the rule. Nobody is surprised.

Our new friend, Tofu Todd joins the game.

I get caught out.

Alex impresses the chicks.

Rooftop style.

Can't go for long without a workout...

Caught out on by the boats.

Nice work, Alex.

We’ve got a long way to go, guys.

Lucy xxx

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Last night I experimented with something called a ’round.’ Basically, I swapped those bits of paper on the left for all that liquid on the right. It was a spectacular success.

So pleased.

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Americans are mostly rubbish at watching football. They try, bless them, they really do. They put it on the television, just like us. They watch it down the pub with a beer, just like us. They say things like ‘yeah’ and ‘woo’ – sometimes at the right time – just like we do. If you were watching from inside a deaf man’s head, you could honestly believe they were actual football fans from anywhere in the world. They’re not though, and owning ears proves this. I’ve heard them consistently not get it. ‘Come on!’ they shout angrily at perfectly normal tackles. ‘Are you frickin’ kidding me?!’ every time they misunderstand the offside rule. ‘Good kicking!’ nobody shouted at any point.

So, what’s the problem? There’s too much subtlety and not enough points for a nation weened on high-scoring, action-packed sports like basketball, ice hockey and American football. I basically haven’t got a clue what I’m talking about when it comes to football, but I’ve played enough to appreciate the basics of the game. Put me in a pub with ‘blokes’, and I can shout things like ‘triangles!,’ ‘jog on! and ‘line him!’ almost convincingly. Put a typical American in the same situation and it will be half an hour before they realise it’s started.

This is why we have came up with some new rules to spice up the game for our transatlantic neighbours. We may or may not have been drinking.

  1. All balls must go in the goal.
  2. There will be a 1000 (or 2) footballs.
  3. Balls can only be moved by tongue.
  4. Goals can only be made on horseback or whilst playing a mandolin.
  5. Managers must be singing at all times.
  6. Drinks may not be imbibed after the 35th minute.
  7. The referees whistle is a kazoo.
  8. No draws.
  9. Goal keepers must wear ties.
  10. The goal is indicated not by geometric posts, but by an elephant.
  11. Every time a player scores, they must be replaced by a fan.
  12. In extra time, the ball(s) will be replaced with a chair. The game is basically the same, except now instead of scoring goals the teams compete to all be standing on the chair.
  13. Similarly, if footchair goes to penalties, the ball is replaced with a slippery pig. The winners must eat the pig.
  14. An Amazonian tribesmen (who has never seen shoes) is chosen to draw the lines on the pitch and choose the chair. After, he is killed.
  15. Fans have as many water balloons as they can fit in to their hats.
  16. No hats.
  17. Ronaldo must be waist-deep in the elephant at all times.
  18. Buckets are to be used instead of shoes.
  19. In order to encourage integration, leagues are organised not by country or region, but by first name, e.g. The Norman League.
  20. Finals are sponsored by Mr Kipling.
  21. Players must be wearing eyepatches. If the player fouls and gets a non colour-discriminatory circle card, the eyepatch must be replaced with glued-on binoculars.
  22. There is no referee.
  23. Action replays are sepia-toned and projected on to the elephant.
  24. Minimum game time: 2 hours. Maximum game time: the life expectancy of an elephant.
  25. No players are allowed to advertise pants.
  26. Players may, however, advertise Boris Johnson.
  27. All team chants are ‘Magic’ by Pilot.
  28. All shorts must have holes.
  29. If the ball goes off the pitch, the nearest player must set themself on fire.
  30. Should a player fall over, they may add a rule that lasts until the end of the game.
  31. Games end when Lucy laughs hysterically and runs out of breath.
  32. Rick Astley must attend every game and serve drinks until the 35th minute. Strictly no talking.
  33. Players must take brain supplements.
  34. Every team must have a player over the age of 80.
  35. There are no rules.

I think it would take a while to transition between the current ‘old rules’ and these more logical new ones, but the result would be a world where Americans could not only join in with the fun of football but hopefully learn to understand the basics of the game a little better.

Too complicated.

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Shopping in the Bronx

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Strong Teams

Charles in Charge

All over your couch

Tofu Todd and the Mixed Nuts versus the Hammock Four

Rooftop Joe

Stand by Kazulio

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